What I Learned from “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary, Principles and Review

When I first started self improvement, I was a serious gamer. Really serious. And what you know with us who play competitive MOBA games such as DOTA or League, we are bad at communicating. And that’s where I started. The constant blaming and anger to other people for losing. I have no idea on how to deal with the emotions of people. We might actually be in the bottom in communicating with other people. What’s worse is I live before by this phrase. “Don’t care what others think. Focus on your own self and don’t care for others.”

Here is the book summary of How to Win Friends and Influence People:

The Book How to Win Friends and Influence People summarizes and focuses on teaching us the key point in being more sociable. By understanding how people think, we will become better at social interactions. This book focuses on a more subtle but really effective way to influence people.

That quote is a two sided sword. One is it good because focusing on our goals is very important, we are going to face with different people that because of envy, will prevent us from reaching our goals. That’s why for one, we need to take care of our own selves and work our on the way to success. But. With regards to social interactions,  it is a different story. We always need the help of others in order to have a successful career. We need people around us simply because we are social creatures. We can’t really live alone.

If there is one thing I learned in life, it is that having good people skills makes life sooooooo much easier. Money, Relationships, Business, all of it can be affected by good communication skills. And as I said, I started from the bottom because I was really socially awkward before. Gladly, this is one of the first books I’ve read with regards to social interactions and it shaped me into a better person.

Here is the primary lesson from the book, in order to win and influence others, we need to change ourselves. Our thinking about life, and our view on emotions. The tips in this book are various tips and practices we need to slowly put into our lives, to make communication easier. Even if it is an old book, it still works and we can still win friends and influence people in the digital age where it is filled with easier ways to communicate with people such as social media and our phones.

I have a good news and bad news for you. With technology, phones, social media and many more easy ways to communicate with people, most lost the skill in communicating. Before, it is rare to see people bullying others face to face. Right now, you can do it easily on your phone. Imagine that. A bad news indeed. But Here is the good news. Actually I have two. One is with improving your communication skills, you will be better than most people on their careers and life in general. Why? Because like in the bad news, people are becoming bad in social interaction. Another good news is that because of the technology to communicate with people faster, once you apply the tips the benefits will be so much better compared to before. Because we can communicate with more people than ever.

Tip #1: Avoid Arguments

While most people will argue with others to make them do what they want, it is not the best solution to influence others. Because they forget one of the most important human psychology. NO ONE WANTS TO BE WRONG. Once you start arguing with people, they will be protective of what they think. Making it a lot harder for you to get what you want. Also, since they will be protective of themselves, you already lost a potential friend. You basically lose in everything. Also, be sincere and do not try to fake it. People can sense that and it makes things worse.

I made it the first because it is the one I used the most. And it made a significant effect in my life. Our basic reaction when we are being corrected is to protect ourselves and defend what we think. and That is also what the others are doing. When I started avoiding arguments, it made things a lot easier to communicate with people. What is better is that I learned to understand why they feel that way. That improves Empathy. I seek to understand them first by not making arguments with them, which will make them feel good that you are very interested in what they are telling you. After that, once they feel good, it will be easier to have a meaningful chat with people, you also have a new friend.

Tip #2: Show the Benefits

If you want someone to do what you want, do now show them why YOU want it to happen. Show them why THEY want it to happen. In doing so, they will be happy to do it because of the benefits it can have on them. Subtly, you also got what you want.

The example in the book is a kid who doesn’t want to go to school. The parents know that arguing will make things worse.  And if they force the child to go to school, the child will be resentful and hate school more. So what they did is they showed the child some games that the parents played in front of him and when the kid comes and wants to play, they just said that: Oh, you don’t know how to play this game, but they teach this in school.” See the benefit? For the child, it looks like when he goes to school, he will learn how to play board games. The teacher will teach him that, so the next day, he woke up on his own because he doesn’t want to be late for school. The parents got what they want, and the kid is happy to do it.

Tip #3: Make others the Hero

Here’s the thing with people, they want to feed their ego. Instead of denying them that, feed it. Make them feel good. They would be happy to help you if they are in a good mood. So instead of arguing with people to make you better, make them the hero so they will help you be better.
Here is the example from the book. The author actually likes to walk his dog on the park, and an officer doesn’t like it because of the various incidents that has been reported on dogs attacking people in the park. So obviously, he got mad and reprimanded the author. The next time he brings his dog to the park, the officer will definitely make an immediate action. So the author became sad because he can’t walk his dog anymore but ultimately, he can’t control himself, so he went with his dog to the park again. And surprise! The officer has seen him again. If you are in his position, what will you do? A normal reaction is you will argue with the officer.
But he did something. something different. Just before the officer came to him and start to rant. he said this. Officer, I’m so sorry. I know I did wrong. It’s all my fault. I did not followe you told me. The officer’s mood suddenly changed. He said, Now Now, everyone makes mistakes and it is alright. Just tie up your dog well and it’s fine. No! It’s really my fault I’m sorry. You’re right. The officer said, it’s fine, I’ll forgive you this time.
See what happened? Suddenly, just because he looked like the hero, that he can save the author from his troubles, we got away from it. That’s the power of making others the hero. You get what you want. Sometimes, we forget that people need some validation people need to hear that they’re important. Why not give it to them. Especially if they deserve it. Apply this in your life, compliment your peers especially if they did a good job, give them some validation and make them happy and ultimately,  see magic that it can do in your life.

Tip #4: Ways to make People like You

Some people think that making people to like them is hard. Really hard. Actually, it depends on the person. Some people are easy to please, and some are not. That’s just a rule of life. However, to make them like you, the methods are actually the same for all.

I know someone who is great in social interaction, he is considered the best of all. He just smiles and is genuine in himself, that he likes the people around him.  People can feel that he likes to be with them, they are always excited to see him. So in return, they give him all things he wants and needs without asking for it. His life is so fun because everything he needs is just being given to him. Cool huh? That someone, is a dog. Ever wonder why dogs are considered man’s best friend. Because he as 2 out of the 3 tips that I will give you in this section. Which is Smile and be genuine. 

Smiling elevates the moods of all the people around you. It makes the atmosphere lighter. Why is it that the more we get older, the lesser we smile. If only we smile a lot and be genuine to others, we can make friends so much easier. So here is the 2 tips for you. Smile to make others happy, and the be genuine. Genuine in using all the tips I’ve said in this video. Genuine in understanding people. genuine in showing the benefits to others, genuine in making the others a hero and Genuine is smiling and liking people like dogs.

Last tip to make people like you, remember names.

When I go to conventions, I usually have a notepad on my phone ready when I meet someone. So If he/she is introduced to me, I can simply write his or her name down. That way, I can remember their names easily.

Remember this, for others, their name is very important. And once you screw it up, it will hurt their feelings. Their name is that important. Ever see someone get awkward because someone pronounced their names wrong? or someone spelled their name wrong? It could be you or someone else. You know the feeling. It isn’t good. When you remember someone’s name, they will be surprised or delighted, they will usually think that they will have fun with you, because you are attentive when you heard their name. It means you will be interested in their story. Everybody has a story to tell, and communication is the means to know them. With these tips, I was able to learn from a lot people and hearing their experiences and stories transformed me into who I am today. That is the power of interaction. Friendships. It makes us feel whole. I hope you learned something in this video and as always, see you in the next video.

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