Marriage and Stoicism: Do Stoics Believe in Marriage?

The concept of marriage and Stoicism has been a question by many people practicing the philosophy. For one, since Stoics are trained to be rational, it can be hard for them to reconcile with the feeling of love. However, the good news is that Stoicism has some insights into dealing with marriage and love.

The Stoics believe in marriage. In fact, Seneca, a Stoic philosopher, has been found to write many things about love to his wife. However, love shouldn’t be the only reason a Stoic should marry. Instead, Stoics should always stay rational, especially when deciding essential matters such as marriage.

This blog post will explain why Stoics can love and marry. Furthermore, I will discuss how Stoics love and, lastly, the drawback of Stoicism when it comes to love and marriage.

Do Stoics Believe in Marriage?

One of the most important aspects of marriage is love.

So, we first need to understand the Stoic’s view of love.

Contrary to most belief, Stoics aren’t emotionless. Instead, they are people who react appropriately to emotions.

Since love is an emotion, Stoics also feel love, and removing the feeling is not a Stoic way of approaching things.

To explain this, we need to talk about the dichotomy of control.

Stoics believe that there are things we can and can’t control, and we should focus our attention on the things we can control.

On the other hand, we should not try to control what we can’t.

The appearance of emotions such as love is something we can’t control. There are times where we feel anger, love, happiness, or sadness.

Since emotions are part of being human, there is no use in removing them.

Because love is a part of human nature, the Stoics also feel love.

So, the Stoics believe and feel love; thus, marriage is also possible.

However, there is a catch.

There are moments where love can lead to unhappiness and Stoics know how to avoid them which we’ll discuss in the next section.

I talked about the concept of the feeling of love and Stoicism in a separate blog post. Since this blog post is focused on marriage, I can’t expound on the topic in great detail. If you’re interested, here is the blog post: Do Stoics Feel Love?

Can a Stoic marry?

A Stoic can marry because love is a universal emotion, and Stoicism values freedom. Therefore, because of free will, a Stoic can decide to marry. However, Stoics should marry not only emotionally but logically. That means a Stoic should consider marriage not only because of love but also as a big commitment.

Looking at marriage from a logical perspective is different from what we see in Hollywood movies.

Hollywood portrays marriage as something emotional in which the only reason for the wedding is love.

However, Stoics should be different and consider rationality in that decision.

While it is true that love is an integral part of marriage, it is not the whole picture.

We should also be rational in our decision.

But how can we get rational in marriage? Here are some things you need to ask yourself.

1. Are you ready for a life-long commitment?
2. Do you have the means?
3. What expectations do you have?

There are more questions you can ask to stay rational. Remember not to let emotions harm your logical thinking or, in this case, answer the questions truthfully.

By the way, the answers should be yes, yes, and none.

Furthermore, Stoics should exercise their free will.

Don’t let other people control your thoughts or actions. Marriage is a big commitment.

This means you should decide your marriage. Since you control your thoughts and actions, remember that marrying someone is something in your control.

That’s why while Stoics can marry, they should be cautious about not letting their emotion harm their rational thinking.

In general, Stoics can marry, but the marriage should follow the four Stoic virtues: wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance.

That means you should be courageous if you plan to marry, which means being responsible and committed to this big decision.

Also, are you loving the person the same way as they love you? Remember that mutual love is ideal as it shows justice and fairness.

Furthermore, are you marrying not only because of physical attraction? A Stoic should react with temperance.

Wisdom is marrying without relying entirely on emotions. We talked about this when I said that being rational is also essential when in love.

As you can see, the Stoic virtues are essential in guiding our actions which includes marriage.

What do Stoics say about marriage?

Some Stoics say that marriage or loving someone is done by someone who understands what is good. Furthermore, the act of marriage should be done in accordance to the four Stoic virtues. This means being wise and just when it comes to marriage. Stoicism is different from Epicureanism which believes that marriage is unnatural and not beneficial.

The Stoics believe that when we understand what is good, we also know how to love.

“Whoever then understands what is good, can also know how to love; but he who cannot distinguish good from bad, and things which are neither good nor bad from both, can he possess the power of loving? To love, then, is only in the power of the wise.”

Seneca

As you can see, Seneca believes in love, but he incorporates it with wisdom.

To Stoics, marriage is a serious matter and a big commitment.

We should marry not just for the sake of marriage, but we should fully love and appreciate the person we’re going to marry.

Loving a person is not being obsessed with the person. Instead, we should always value their free will and respect their ideas.

Also, understand that Stoics should not expect things from their spouse.

Remember the dichotomy of control.

For a quick recap, the dichotomy of control states that everything that happens in our lives can be divided into two things we can and can’t control.

Controlling others, including your spouse, is not in your control. Instead, you can control your thoughts and actions.

So, as a Stoic, If you’re okay with applying the dichotomy of control and the Stoic virtues to your marriage, then there is no problem with getting married.

Love to the fullest while you still have the chance for it is a gift.

As you can see, Stoicism believes in marriage and can marry. That’s why they’re different from Epicureans who believe that marriage is unnatural and not beneficial.

The Drawback of Stoicism in Marriage

While Stoicism is a good idea to follow for marriage, I also believe that Stoicism has its drawbacks in this area.

Being rational such as knowing marriage as a commitment, is necessary to a happy marriage. Going into this without preparation would usually cause trouble.

However, Stoicism has some problems when it comes to love.

The biggest of them is that emotional connection is needed to deepen the relationship.

Remember that while Stoics aren’t emotionless, they try not to let emotions harm their judgment.

The problem is that an emotional connection is usually necessary to deepen a relationship.

This makes the other person, who isn’t a Stoic, worry because it will be hard to feel any emotional connection to a Stoic.

As with everything in life, a balance is necessary. However, being too rational or too emotional in marriage has its drawbacks.

May this remind Stoics should love and enjoy it while the opportunity is still there. That way, you can still achieve an emotional connection with your loved ones.

What’s next? Life can be full of worries, and Stoic practices can help us live life with less worrying. Feel free to check my other blog post if you’re interested: How to Stop Worrying as a Stoic?