How to tell someone they are quiet? | Without Offending Them

As someone who is inherently quiet, I often get questions about how do they talk with their friends and tell them that they are really quiet. I get the feeling that most introverts or quiet people like me are somewhat hard to talk to because they don’t know what we think. Since I am also in their shoes, I know some subtle ways of asking people why they are quiet.

So, how do you tell someone they are quiet? The best way to tell someone they are quiet is to first, ask if there’s something bothering them. Sometimes, people are quiet because they are thinking a lot. This sometimes happens when facing life difficulties. Also, remember to ask and show them that you’re genuinely concerned.

However, I know that while I’ve said the answer, it’s very summarized. So In this article, I have actually listed things you can do and look out for on how to tell someone they are quiet. I would also like to note that not all quiet people are introverts. As I told you, even extroverts and ambiverts, when faced with certain difficulties in life can go really quiet because of too many thoughts in their heads.

This article is a guide that can work for all.

Know the Person well

A thing to remember when telling a person they’re quiet is to first know the person well.

This is actually what most people miss when asking the question and it wastes their time a lot.

What I mean by that is there are 2 types of people when it comes to asking why they’re quiet.

The first group of people is the ones who are offended when asked. When this is the person you’re talking with, then you are on the right track.

These people are the ones where you should really know how to ask without offending. Thus, you need to read more into this article because you need to tell it to them in a gentle manner.

Usually, they’re like that because it came from their personal experience or their environment that being silent is inherently bad.

That’s why when you ask them if why they’re quiet, they start thinking that their personalities are being attacked. While it may not be what you mean, what others feel is not in your control.

I made a detailed explanation on this topic in a separate article and I think it’s a good read after this one to further increase your knowledge on quiet people like me. Here is the link: Is it rude to say someone is quiet?

However, there is a second group of people and those are the people who don’t really mind if you ask.

That includes me.

I am a quiet person but when someone asks me why I’m being quiet or shy, I really don’t mind and will tell them why.

When you encountered a person like this, then ask directly. If they don’t really mind, then why bother having some pointers?

However, it is hard to guess. So knowing the person you’re talking to is important. If you know that the person would get offended, then you should really read on and know how to say things.

But if the person doesn’t really mind being asked, then problem solved. Just tell them that they’re quiet. Ask why and what can you offer to help.

Although, the safest is to still think that the person might really be offended. If you have no idea, it’s better to think that they might get offended.

If that’s the case, then be extra careful.

I would also like to note here that there is no right or wrong. People not being offended doesn’t mean that they’re right. People who are offended don’t mean that they’re wrong.

I repeat that the most common reason for this is their environment. If your environment is always telling you that being quiet is bad for your career etc., you’re going to resent being quiet and be defensive when someone asks.

It is by no means the fault of the person, it is what their environment taught them.

Ask in a Gentle Manner

Now that you’ve finished knowing the person, if you think that they will be offended, then let’s go to the next section.

One of the things to remember when telling someone they’re quiet is you need to ask in a gentle manner.

The reason is that when facing difficulties, many of us are shy or ashamed to show our problems to others. Because of overthinking, it may result in us being quiet once in a while.

And that’s life. There are just ups and downs. Times where we are happy and sad.

Most people get quiet when they’re sad.

If that’s the case, then try not to ask in an offensive manner. Instead, be gentle to the person.

Asking gently means that you don’t all of the sudden ask why they’re quiet.

First, try to talk to them casually, try to make them open up without asking. This way, they won’t think that you’re forcing them to talk.

Remember that when a person feels like you’re forcing them to open up, they would hide it more as a defense mechanism.

That’s why, if you can ask in a gentle manner, or yet better, without actually asking, then it is way better.

If this, succeeded, then great! Let’s move on.

Be genuinely concerned

One way to tell someone they’re quiet without offending is to be genuinely concerned.

Showing that you’re really concerned can make them feel secure and make them open up about what they’re currently feeling.

This actually works like a charm and hurts if you don’t do it correctly.

People can actually feel if you’re really concerned or you’re faking it.

Same thing as to why some employees know that their boss is not actually concerned for them but instead for the project they’re working on.

People feel if someone is genuine and if they feel that you really care for them, they would actually tell you because they want someone to lean on in times of distress.

Thus, only ask if you’re concerned. At least try to and be realistic.

If you can’t show that you’re concerned, then let’s move to the next one that might work instead.

Ask if there’s a problem and offer to help

This method only works on people who are more logical thinkers rather than an emotional one.

Some people won’t care for your genuine actions. The reason is that some are just far more rational than emotional.

This makes them calculate everything people do and is more objective in solving things.

That’s why if they’re not moved by your emotion of being genuine, then they most likely fall into this category.

But actually, this is not a disadvantage but an advantage. The reason is that they’re not hard to talk to since they most likely act based on logical reasons.

In this scenario, it is better if you ask directly about their problem and offers some help.

For a logical person, that’s the perfect solution if they’re being quiet. The reason is that rational people are usually quiet for a reason and offering some help would solve their problem.

That’s why when doing it, they would usually tell you without any problems since you offered them some help.

However, do not ask about their problem without offering a solution. Give them a reason to tell you the problem that makes them quiet.

That’s the only way to let them speak up.

In short, make them expect that you’ll help them. Don’t make them guess.

Check their body language

Let’s now go to body language.

There are times when a person would just not want to tell you what they’re thinking.

And that is completely fine. It doesn’t matter since forcing them would make them more defensive.

If that’s the case, it is actually better to let them think for themselves rather than forcing things.

People just don’t want to be forced into doing things. They just don’t want to and if you look desperate, they would keep what bothers them even more.

But do not do this without knowing if the person really doesn’t want to share.

What you can do in these situations is by checking their body language. It is a hard concept but here are the basics.

The person won’t want to talk about it if:

1. Their eyes sway away from you
2. Their body is facing not in your direction
3. They look uncomfortable while you’re talking to them
4. Closing their arms
5. Looking very annoyed

There are actually more body languages that you can learn but those are the most common ones.

Observe the Current Situation

One thing to take note of when asking why somebody is quiet is by looking at the current situation.

This can be easily understood by an example.

Let’s say a really introverted person comes to a party and they’re really quiet. That would usually mean that what makes them quiet is the situation they’re currently in.

Sometimes, we can’t just help a person and that’s okay because we are all humans and have limitations.

When the situation is just uncomfortable for the person, some would just remain quiet. When someone can’t keep up with a conversation, they would be quiet.

When someone doesn’t understand the topic you’re talking about, it is perfectly natural to be quiet.

Let’s say that you’re not good at physics and someone talking to you is talking about some topics from physics. Of course, you will be having a hard time talking with them.

Instead, you will just be quiet. And it is perfectly fine.

It is good that you also check the situation. By doing that, you can actually know why they’re being quiet without even asking.

Plus, helping them without them asking is a big plus since they would feel like you really understand them.

That way, you won’t force the person into talking because there are times where their environment can tell the reason why they’re quiet.